Walking backwards to be able to walk forwards

Some years ago I experienced a complex physical injury and a simultaneous major illness which affected my nervous system. Amongst other things, I lost the ability to coordinate movements required for normal walking and movement.  My condition baffled all kinds of medical specialists, who seemed unable to link all the symptoms into an explicable whole.  So I spent a lot of time and money visiting alternative practitioners, who were able to help me to at least understand my health issues from a symbolic perspective.

One of the practitioners I remember most vividly did some kind of cranio-sacral treatment on me while I was lying on her dining room table, somewhere in Fitzroy.  When I got off the table, she asked me to walk around the room so she could assess my movement again.  Except when I tried to walk forward, I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t even imagine the required processes to be able to move forward. My mind went completely blank.

So she asked me to walk backwards, which I was able to do relatively easily.  Once I had walked backwards, my body was able to remember how to move forward.

The symbolism of that experience has never left me, even though that was the only time I ever saw that practitioner.

Having experienced deep physical and emotional trauma, it has taken me years to heal.  And there are times that I find myself re-entering the past in order to be able to move forward once more.

Thanks to a strange series of coincidences, I’ve spent the last month or so working intensely with the past. At times it has been so overwhelming I felt I couldn’t possibly go on, I couldn’t see any way forward. And yet, paradoxically, I knew that walking backwards, looking backwards was the only medicine for me.

Then today, after a night of vivid dreams and deep dream state conversations with my ex-husband, I feel as though the future has suddenly become possible again.  I have emerged from this strange, somewhat shamanic period of journeying, and I can see the path ahead again. And it is lit with hope and possibility, which is thrilling.

I give thanks to all who have held me energetically and filled me with love in the recent and distant pasts.

To those who are struggling with difficult journeys right now, I pray that you find solace and a place of sacred stillness in your heart.

Blessed be.


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